Recession, what recession?

I don't know if you've heard but we're in a recession. Our Gross Domestic Product is declining consistently and its not forecasted to get any better. I'm blaming you. I can blame you, because I know I spent as much this year as I did last year. I can blame you because with all of my charity spending at Best Buy, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, etc. America still produced fewer goods this past month than the month before.
How could you be so selfish? You're hoarding your money in one of those banks for safekeeping, why? You're worried that a rainy day isn't so far off? Do you know what you've done?
American companies rely on your pocketbook to produce goods that you want to buy. When they produce these goods they use automated factories that use robots and machinery which requires several technicians and many, many managers to run. When you don't spend your money they turn the power off on the toy-producing cyborgs and fire the middle managers (who secretly hated their jobs) and give bonuses to the executives for a job well done. This causes your fellow Americans to lose money and stop spending their money.
Stop listening to the news and reading the newspapers that tell you that bad times are coming. Its turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy and you're only stressing yourself out. I have a cure for your stress; buy, purchase, spend. There is some fine print on this economic panacea:
Only effective with American made products. Will not work with your foreign goods.
So please don't make the mistake of buying at 50" plasma TV by Panasonic. Instead buy whatever Americans make; stuff like ummmmmm, stealth bombers and ummmmmm intel processor chips and ummmmmm timber products and ummmmmmm wheat and ummmmmmm highways.
Well I don't know what exactly you're supposed to buy with your money to prevent this recession but I'm sure its out there. So go spend your cash and help your fellow American.